From the Ashes
by fueledbyglitter
Summary: "There are still moments when he clutches the back of a chair and hangs on until the flashbacks are over. I wake screaming from nightmares of mutts and lost children. But his arms are there to comfort me. And eventually his lips."
1. A Return

A/N: Alright I know I'm nowhere near done with my Dramione fic and I'm working on it, but I saw The Hunger Games the other day and after re-reading Mockingjay for the 827th time, I had this idea. Many fans complain that SC never really described in detail how Peeta and Katniss got back together at the end of Mockingjay, so this is my take on how that happened. Let me know what you think! It starts off here, mid-April, I think, when Peeta comes back from the Capitol:

* * *

_He looks well. Thin and covered with burn scars like me, but his eyes have lost that clouded, tortured look. He's frowning slightly, though, as he takes me in. I make a halfhearted effort to push my hair out of my eyes and realize it's matted into clumps. I feel defensive. "What are you doing?"_

_"I went to the woods this morning and dug these up. For her," he says. "I thought we could plant them along the side of the house." I look at the bushes, the clods of dirt hanging from their roots, and catch my breath as the word __rose __registers. I'm about to yell vicious things at Peeta when the full name comes to me. Not plain rose but evening primrose. The flower my sister was named for. I give Peeta a nod of assent and hurry back into the house, locking the door behind me. But the evil thing is inside, not out. Trembling with weakness and anxiety, I run up the stairs. My foot catches on the last step and I crash onto the floor. I force myself to rise and enter my room. The smell's very faint but still laces the air. It's there. The white rose among the dried flowers in the vase. Shriveled and fragile, but holding on to that unnatural perfection cultivated in Snow's greenhouse. I grab the vase, stumble down to the kitchen, and throw its contents into the embers. As the flowers flare up, a burst of blue flame envelops the rose and devours it. Fire beats roses again. I smash the vase on the floor for good measure._

* * *

_He's back._

That's the first thought my mind can fully form after stumbling upon Peeta planting primrose bushes along the side of my house. Planting them for _her_. He looks alright. Sure, he's scarred, like I am, and he's lost quite a bit of weight, but his hair's grown back and he seems calm. More like the boy who squeezed my hand on that podium after the Reaping.

It was all I could do not to burst into tears right there in front of him. After burning that fowl rose, I sat in the shower, fully clothed, letting the warm water soak me entirely, hoping it could wash away the scream forming in my throat along with the smell of ashes, flowers and misery.

At some point, a part of my brain registers that this is certainly doing some damage to my brand new Capitol skin, so I get up stifly, and gripping the sides of the bathtub so as not to fall. I don't need another concussion.

I peal off my soaked clothes and underwear, toss them into the sink and pour shampoo on my head, forcing myself to go through the motions, wanting desperately not to break down and cry.

Needless to say, I fail.

_My name is Katniss Everdeen. I'm seventeen years old. My home is District 12. I was the Mockingjay. I helped bring down the Capitol. Coin killed my sister. Gale killed my sister. I killed my sister..._

I don't know exactly how it happened. One minute, I'm seemingly calm, rinsing the conditioner out of my hair. The next, I'm crouched on the floor of the tub, crying and screaming my head off. _I'm sorry Prim, _I think. _I'm so sorry._ The screams bounce off the bathroom walls, magnified, but somehow I don't really notice.I don't know how long it goes on for, but at some point my screams must've reached Peeta, because by the time I've screamed myself hoarse, I hear a knock on the bathroom door. The crying however, hasn't stopped.

"Katniss? Are you okay?" _I wonder how he got in here. He probably used the back door._

"Katniss," he repeats himself, louder, and I can feel the urgency in his voice. "Katniss?" He wiggles the doorknob, but it's no use, I had the good sense to lock this door, too. I make a monstrous effort to reach up and turn off the shower. That shoud be enough to let him know I haven't killed myself. I hear him step a bit closer to the door.

"Katniss" he says, his voice softer now. "Please let me in."

"How do I know you won't hurt me?" I choke out.

"I won't" he says, and I can tell from his tone I've hurt him. Again. I can never get it right with him, either. The crying continues.

"Please."

The last word is almost a whisper, but it's still loud enough for me to hear. I pull myself out of the bathtub, wrap a robe around myself and slump down on the tiled floor beside the door. I reach up to unlock it and he comes in.

"Katniss" he says. A fresh batch of tears is making an appearance, and I make no effort to hide them as he sits on the floor in front of me, his back against the tub and positions his prosthetic leg. At my sobbed, lunatic request, he pulls me into his lap and I sob into the crook of his neck. For the first few minutes, I just cry, making those awful wailing noises I hate, as he strokes my hair and murmurs soothing words. "It's okay" he says. "It'll get better."

"It's my fault" I whimper. "It's all my fault."

"It's not" Peeta's tone is sincere yet sweet. "It's not your fault, Katniss. No one could've predicted what happened to her."

I blubber some more. He gently takes my chin and lifts my head so I'm staring into his face. His startlingly unchanged blue eyes. It's then that I realize we haven't been alone in a room together, unobserved by some strange doctors from 13, or without any sort of supervision since the night before the Quell.

"Katniss, listen to me" I just stare at him. His voice is serious now, and I blink fast, trying to get rid of the tears that are clouding my vision.

"Listen to me. Prim's death was not your fault. Not mine. Not Gale's. Not anyone's. It was an accident. She was at the wrong place, at the wrong time. It was not your fault. And if she was here, I'm positive" he gives me a small squeeze. "_Positive, _that she wouldn't blame you for it."

This brings on even more tears, so I sob into his shoulder for a while longer. When I'm finally cried out, he picks me up, places me on the bed and gently begins to comb out my matted hair. I realize then how much I've missed Peeta. His arms, always protecting me. His smell. Even now, he's so different from the boy I found camouflaged in the mud in the first arena, but yet he's nowhere near the Capitol-altered version of himself he was that first night back in 13.

"Peeta" I say, relieved that my voice is slowly returning. "Yeah?"

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry I cast you off when you came to 13. You didn't deserve it. You didn't know anything, just what they made you believe was true. You finally saw me as I was, and I just punished you for it. I tried to hate you. But I couldn't."

He's quiet now, but he doesn't stop untangling my hair. I realize he's waiting for me to continue. So I start apologizing from the beginning.

"I'm sorry I lied to you. I'm sorry I drugged you to go to the feast in the first arena. I'm sorry I didn't know you really loved me. I'm sorry, I was confused. I'm sorry I kissed Gale after he was whipped. I'm sorry I made that deal with Haymitch before the Quell. I'm sorry I let them separate us the night the force field blew out." I feel the sting of fresh tears in my eyes, but the words keep tumbling out. "I'm sorry I couldn't save you. I'm sorry." My voice cracks and I can't continue, though a million more reasons why I should be apologizing come to my mind.

He stops combing my hair and turns me around so I'm facing him. He whipes the tears from my cheeks.

"I'm sorry, too" Peeta says, but I shake my head. "You don't have anything to be sorry about."

"Sure I do." He takes my hand and I see that they were spared from the fire, unlike his forehead and back. His hands are steady, more like they were before the Quell, the hijacking and the Capitol mission. The scars on his wrists from where he'd been shackled, per his request, during the mission, have also been erased.

"I'm sorry I resented you for not knowing how you felt about me. I'm sorry I didn't speak to you all those months before the Victory Tour. I'm sorry I tried to hate you for loving Gale. He told me you loved me too, but I didn't believe him. I'm sorry for that. Haymitch said it too, he said if you didn't love me you could've just shot me in the first arena, instead of pulling out the Nightlock. I didn't believe him either. I'm still not sure I do. There's too many things I'm not sure about, and I have so many questions I need to ask you."

I look into his eyes. As blue and honest as they've ever been. I can almost hear Haymitch's voice again. _"You could live a thousand lifetimes and not deserve him". _

"You can ask."

Before I know it, the words have slipped out, but I don't regret it. Peeta half-smiles at me, and gets up from the bed.

"I'll leave you to get dressed. I was thinking of making some cheese buns. Would you like some?" He stands at the open door, and turns to look at me.

I manage a smile. "I'd love some."

* * *

After dressing, I go down to the kitchen, where Peeta is already busy at work on the cheese buns. It's good to see him bake, to see his hands working has a sense of familiarity that calms me down. "Can I help?" I ask, even though I've never baked in my life.

"Sure" he says, and he hands me a baking sheet, instructing me on what to do. It's a simple task, just placing the dough on the sheet, not to close together.

We work quietly for a few minutes. Even though it's normal what we're doing, I like it and at the same time, I'm surprised by it. We're just two teenagers, baking. Anyone who had never seen us would never guess that we survived two Hunger Games and a rebellion. The burn scars are starting to fade and the skin grafts are slowly acquiring the color of our skin.

"You know" he begins. "There is one question that's been sort of bothering me, that no one else really knew how to answer." I look up at him expectantly.

"I asked Haymitch, but he said he didn't really know. Dr. Aurelius didn't either... During the Victory Tour, those nights on the train... Did we?" He blushes and I suddenly understand.

"Oh" I say, beginning to blush myself. "No, we didn't. You can see how it looked from the outside, you sleeping in my room every night, but that's all we ever did, sleep. We kept each other safe from the nightmares." He nods, and continues passing me balls of dough to arrange on another baking sheet.

"So you weren't really pregnant" he says, and it's not a question.

"No" I say, and I'm surprised to hear the hint of sadness, almost longing in my own voice. "But with everything that's happened since, I think it was best that I wasn't."

"I still think you're going to be a great mom, Katniss" his eyes meet mine and I know he isn't lying. I shake my head in amusement.

"You'd make a great dad, too. Any child would be lucky to have you as their father." I don't know why I say it but it's true. "Plus any child of ours would probably be the best fed kid in the District" I say jokingly. Peeta smiles and nudges me with his hip playfully. I laugh, startled at the sound. I realize I can't remember the last time I laughed, really laughed. Then a slight nervous feeling settles in my stomach.

I realize why. With the rebellion's success, Panem being rebuilt and the end of the Games, a child with Peeta is actually a posibility. I push it aside, though. With everything else, the _mentally disoriented_ bracelet comes into my mind. I probably wouldn't make as good a mother as Peeta thinks.

We put the buns in the oven and Peeta sits at the table while I make some tea for the both of us. I hear the back door close and Greasy Sae's voice "Katniss?"

"In here!" I call, and she comes in the kitchen, her face slightly shocked at the scene before her. Peeta, sitting at the kitchen table. Me, bathed and up, making tea, and the smell of baking bread in the air.

"I just came to... Check on you" she finishes, nodding at Peeta. He smiles at her and she looks at me, her eyebrows raised.

"We're making cheese buns" I say, partly to distract her attention from Peeta. "When they're ready I'll bring you some." Taking the hint, she says "Alright then", shoots another glance at Peeta and leaves.

Peeta laughs. "I guess that just about guaranteed the entire population of 12 knowing I'm back, plus a new batch of rumors."

"Pretty much" I say, and I can't help laughing too. At least people will have something else to talk about other than the fact I'm insane.


	2. A Letter

A/N: Thank you guys so much for the reviews! **MidnightMasquerade** the quote comes from Catching Fire, the part where Katniss gets drunk with Haymitch after the Quarter Quell announcement. Enjoy! :D

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**Chapter 2: A Letter**

The smell of cheese buns is thick in the house by nightfall, and after taking a few over to Greasy Sae, I decide to take some to Haymitch too, while Peeta goes home to shower. Having learned quite a while ago that knocking on Haymitch's door is basically pointless, so I just go ahead and walk in, holding my breath to keep out the stench of liquor, mice droppings and dirty laundry.

I walk into the kitchen, and sure enough, there's Haymitch, passed out on the table, an empty bottle in one hand and an eight-inch knife in the other, snoring so loudly it's amazing he doesn't wake himself up.

As I'm prying the knife from his fingers, I'm thinking how ironic it is that with everything that's changed, this exact scene happened countless times before.

"Haymitch! Wake up!" I shake him. Nothing happens. I find a pitcher on the counter and fill it with cold water from the sink. He hates getting woken up like this, but the usual screams aren't working.

"Haymitch!" I pour the water on his head and he comes up choking and cursing, waving the hand that used to hold the knife, unaware that I have it. He wipes his face on the back of his hand and finally notices me.

"Well, will you look at that. Nice to see you up and about, sweetheart. And bathed" I scowl at him.

"Yeah, I wish I could say the same thing to you." He chuckles and begins sniffing himself.

"I'm alright," he says. I roll my eyes. "I brought you some of Peeta's cheese buns."

He raises his eyebrows and takes one. "Good to see you two aren't killing each other. Plutarch will be glad to hear that."

"Stop it," I snap, turning to leave. "The last thing I need is Plutarch harrassing me. I can just hear him now: '_The return of the Star-Crossed Lovers, think of what it could do for publicity'. _The less cameras around District 12, the better."

"Relax, sweetheart," he laughs. "I'm not going to be the one giving them the call."

"You'd better not be" I warn him, before closing the door behind me.

* * *

I find Peeta in my kitchen, sorting through a stack of letters while munching on one of the cheese buns from the pile resting on a platter.

"What's that?" I ask, remembering the similar stack currently sitting on the kitchen counter, which I've successfully ignored since returning from the Capitol.

"Just mail," he answers, and continues sorting his letters. "You should do yours, too, before you run out of room on that countertop." He smiles.

"Yeah yeah, I'm on it" I say, grabbing the letters and sitting at the table with him. Looking through the pile, I find about ten letters from my mother, a few from Dr. Aurelius. I also find a few from Peeta, but I save them for later when he's not looking. I open a few from my mother, and decide to call her in the morning. I read one from Johanna, she writes that she's also in 4, staying with a very pregnant Annie. I write back, telling her I'm alright and Peeta's back, and so far we've been getting along. I send my love to Annie and ask they write back soon.

After answering a letter from Venia, Octavia and Flavius, I get to the last one in the pile. I recognize the messy scrawl on the envelope and immediately tense up. Peeta looks up. I've been quiet for a few minutes now, and he notices I also stopped eating the cheese bun I was working on.

"What is it?" he asks, obvious concern in his voice.

I look at him, hold up the letter, fighting back the tears in my eyes. "It's from Gale."

"Open it" he says.

"I can't. I can't let all those memories come back."

Peeta takes my free hand in his. "It's fine, Katniss. Open it."

I rip the envelope open with trembling fingers and take out the sheet of cream colored paper inside. I wipe the tears from my eyes and begin to read.

_Hey Catnip,_

_I really wasn't sure how to start this. I know you blame me for Prim's death, and I don't hold that against you. Odds are you won't even read this, but I still felt I had to write you. _

_I'm in District 2 know, helping organize the rebuild and running the training of the new Peacekeeper force. It's different here, but I like it. I think a fresh start is what everyone needs right now. _

_I know you chose Peeta. I kind of always knew, I guess. Since the first time I saw you kiss him in the arena, I knew you loved him. Everyone knew. Everyone except you, and that's what I held onto. I don't resent you for it. You're good together. He loves you more than you know, and more than I could have. He gave up everything for you, won you over. I really hope you're happy together and I wish you the best. _

_I guess that's all I have to say, Catnip. I'll see you around._

_Love always, _

_Gale._

I get to the end of the letter just in time, because my hands are shaking so bad I can no longer read the words on the paper. I cover my face with my hands and let the oncoming sobs wrack my body. Peeta's arms go around me as he pulls me up out of the chair.

"I-I ruined everyth-thing" I say, and he strokes my hair.

"You didn't" he replies softly, but I just cry, wailing again. Eventually he carries me upstairs and puts me in the bed, where I keep crying. He turns to leave but I don't let go of his hand.

"Peeta" I whisper. "Would you… Could you please… Stay with me?"

He hesitates for a minute before answering.

"Sure, Katniss" he says. "Always."

He takes off his shoes and leg and climbs under the covers with me. He holds out his arm and I curl up next to him. I lay my head on his chest and I hear him sigh.

"Goodnight, Peeta" I whisper.

"Sweet dreams, Kat" he answers.


	3. Perspective

A/N: Thank you guys for reviewing and faving! It means a lot that you like it c: I'll just stop being annoying and let you get on with your reading now. Enjoy!

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**Chapter 3: Perspective**

The stream of warm light pourning through the open window wakes me the next morning. I open my eyes, feeling the bright sunlight blind me slightly while they adjust. Figures. I'm content with having little light in the house, but Peeta can't and won't sleep with the windows closed, not if he can help it.

_You're a painter. You're a baker. You like to sleep with the windows open. You never take sugar in your tea. And you always double-knot your shoelaces._

I roll over in bed, expecting to bump into him, but I only find slightly warm sheets on the other side. He must've left not ten minutes ago, but I can't say I'm surprised. He doesn't want to pressure me into anything, and yet I asked him to sleep here, to keep me company. I still don't know why I did it, but tonight is the first night since before the Quell I haven't had any nightmares. It's amazing what a difference a good night of sleep makes.

I'm not sure about what I'm supposed to do now, but I get up anyway and drag myself to the bathroom. In the mirror I find someone familiar yet unrecognizable. She has straight, dark hair down to her waist. Her eyes are the color of steel, vacant of any real expression. Her skin is slightly blotchy, and parts of it, her shoulders, arms and back, are the pinkish color of adapting skin grafts. The rest is pale, as though she hasn't seen some real sunshine in months. She hasn't.

I try to find something about her I recognize, try to calm my erratic breathing, my slowly increasing heartbeat. Then I see it. On my arm. About three inches long, uneven and looking as it always has, like a long, fat, flesh colored worm. Where Johanna pulled out the tracker after hitting me with the wire. I touch the spot on my head where she hit me and I still feel the bump. I see another scar, along the side of my hand where my mother stitched me up when I cut myself with the broken glass bottle after getting drunk with Haymitch.

After a while I relax, and go down to the kitchen where I know I'll find some of the leftover cheese buns. I grab one and a glass of milk from the fridge, and sit down at the table. I should call Mother. I think about going to the woods but I don't trust myself enough yet.

I'm thinking about what Dr. Aurelius said in one of his letters about calling every Wednesday and I don't even know what day it is, when I spot the letters I hid from Peeta yesterday. I take them from their hiding place and take a closer look at them. There are six letters. I can tell which are the oldest because of his handwriting, at first a scrawly, shaky mess and slowly changing into the one I recognize, steady and neat. I've always admired Peeta's penmanship, and I think about how Gale's has always been awful and probably always will. But I don't want to think about Gale. Not right now. The need to find something else to think about is what drives me to open the first letter. It's from March 4th, about two weeks after I came home to 12.

_Katniss,_

_I've been trying to get permission to go back to District 12 ever since you were sent back, but Dr. Aurelius hasn't cleared me yet, mostly because I haven't finished therapy and a big part of that has to do with you. Since you haven't picked up the phone, he suggested I write you. I just have so many questions, there are so many things I don't understand, and the hard part is only you can answer most of them. Like why I don't remember much of what happened in the cave during our first cave. Or why I have all these shiny memories of you chasing me, throwing knives on the train home. I just wish you'd call back, I'd really like to talk. _

_Peeta_

The second is from about three days later, March 7th.

_Katniss,_

_I'm worried, you're not answering your phone. I called your mom in 4 and she hasn't heard from you either, though she said Sae is checking up on you daily. I understand that you need to grieve but everyone's worried about you. Johanna and Annie left yesterday, they're going to spend a few months in 4 until Annie has the baby. The doctors said it's going to be a boy and Annie wants to name him Caspian. I talked to Gale yesterday. He's doing good in 2, and he asked about you. I really wasn't sure what to tell him. Dr. Aurelius is getting worried you're not answering his calls, and I'd really like to talk to you… If you're mad or something, about all the things that happened in the Capitol and you don't want to hear from me…_

_Please call back, I'm worried. _

_Peeta._

The letters are pretty much all the same. The only different one is the last one, dated April 5th.

_Katniss,_

_I finally got cleared by Dr. Aurelius to go back to 12. I'll be back on the 12th, and maybe you'll finally talk to me. I'm not mad, just curious. I'm worried about you, Kat. And, just for the record, I've missed you. _

_I guess I'll see you in a week._

_Love, Peeta._

There are no words to really describe how guilty I feel after reading all the letters. I just sit there, for quite a while, hearing the words he wrote play over and over in my head. The worst part is I don't cry. I just sit there, feeling like the absolute worst person on the planet.

_Love, Peeta._

All this time, while I literally sat here hoping I'd just die, he was in the Capitol trying to piece his mind back together and worrying about me. It's been years, but I still amaze myself at how selfish I can really be. I barely even thought about Peeta –hell, I've tried more than anything _not _to think about Peeta. Or Prim. Or anything that would make me feel more like the awful being I am.

All I've ever done is treat Peeta like this, take him for granted. The only times I've really appreciated Peeta is when he's about to be taken away from me. Like in our first Games when he was dying of blood poisoning. Or in the Quell, when I knew one of us both had to die and I was willing to give up my life to make sure it wouldn't be him. And when he was taken by the Capitol, I had Coin sign that agreement to protect him. But even that dims in comparison with his actions.

Peeta has never wanted anything more than for me to be happy. He loves me. And I… I don't know. Haymitch says I love him. So did Finnick. And Prim…

But do I? I've never thought about it.

I know I care about Peeta. If I hadn't cared, I could have just shot him in the first arena, like I shot Marvel. But I didn't. Those times I've tried to save Peeta… Did I do it because I love him or because I was just too scared to lose him?

I hear someone coming in through the back door and quickly stow the letters in one of the bottom drawers in the kitchen.

"Katniss?" I hear Peeta's voice.

"In here" I call, trying to sound as casual as possible as I wash the glass I used to drink my milk earlier.

"I went to the train station" he says. "To pick up the rest of my things that just got here."

"Things?" I ask. Peeta didn't have any possessions in the Capitol or 13 that I know of.

"Some things I bought in the Capitol" he replies, walking closer and standing next to me. "A new oven, some clothes. I brought you something; I'll bring it over later." He finishes the sentence with just a hint of mischief in his voice and I find myself wondering what he's up to.

"What day is today?" I ask.

"April 14th" he answers. "It's a Saturday."

An idea suddenly strikes me. "Do you want to go hunting with me tomorrow? I mean, as long as you don't scare off game with your stomping around."

Peeta's eyebrows rise. He wasn't expecting that.

"Sure. But I have one question." I nod, waiting for him to continue.

"Will there be bread bushes?"

I burst out laughing, really laughing, and the next thing I know, his arms are wrapped around me and we're laughing. I almost forgot what it felt like, both the embrace and the laughter.

"Oh, yes. I hear they're quite common this time of year" I reply, smiling.


	4. Surprise

A/N: Hi again :D thank you guys for all the amazing reviews and for filling my email with your favs! I hope you're enjoying this as much as I am, because honestly writing this has been a blast. Anyway, enjoy chapter 4!

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**Chapter 4: Surprise**

The high-pitched ringing of the phone interrupts our embrace. "I'll get it" Peeta says, walking to the living room. His scent lingers in the air, smelling of freshly baked bread, honey and… Dandelions. How fitting. I stifle a small laugh with my hand.

"Hello?" Peeta answers the phone. "Oh, hi. Yes, I got back a couple of days ago. Yeah, she's fine. She's right here, hold on." He raises his voice. "Kat, it's your mother." A lump of nervousness appears in my throat. I walk over to him and take the phone, rather reluctantly.

"I'll be back in a little while" he says. I nod, and wait until I hear him close the door to hold the phone up to my ear.

"Hello?" I say, and when I speak I could swear I sound twelve years old.

"Katniss?" she asks. No one could miss the urgency in her tone, the concern that stains her voice.

"Hi, mother. How are you?" It sounds insufficient, too casual, considering the fact that we haven't really spoken in almost six months, since I left for the Capitol mission.

"I'm fine, Katniss. How are _you_? You've been home for almost two months, you don't answer your phone, or the letters I've sent. I've been worried."

Here it is again. The guilt. My mother just lost one daughter, and now she nearly lost the other. When your mother has had to send you off twice to the Hunger Games and multiple times to near-suicidal missions in name of the rebellion you single-handedly set off and which resulted in your younger sister's death, staying in touch is not something you should forget. Haven't I already put her through enough?

"I'm sorry" I whisper, and immediately burst into tears, about Prim, about Peeta, Gale, District 12, killing Coin, about how I'm sorry I couldn't deal with everything, about shutting her out… Everything. And then she's saying she's sorry too, and we cry together for a while. After we've cried enough, she fills me in on her job in 4, how the country is under rebuild, and asks if I need her to send anything, and after checking, I notice I'm running low on first aid things and some of the medication Dr. Aurelius said I should keep taking. Then, I ask her if she needs anything, and after declining, she says: "Well, one of Peeta's cakes wouldn't do any harm, if it's not too much trouble."

I laugh. "I'll let him know" I say. I hear someone, presumably Peeta, close the back door.

"Er… Mother, I have to go, I'll call again tomorrow" I say. Somehow this too seems insufficient.

"I love you" I add tentatively.

"I love you too, Katniss." she says. Peeta enters the room and I hang up. "Mother said she wanted one of your cakes, if it wasn't too much trouble."

"Not at all" he says, just a little too casually, and that's when I notice the package he's trying to hide behind his back.

"What's that?" I ask, trying to sneak a look at it, but given his size and the fact that I'm sitting on the couch, it's not easy.

"Close your eyes," he says, and I can tell he's fighting back a smile. I oblige, and I feel him set down a long box about six inches wide and just about that tall in my lap.

"Open them," he says. I look down, and see a long, black box. I look up at Peeta and raise my eyebrows questioningly.

"Look inside," he insists, his smile growing wider. I open the silver clasps that hold the box closed and gasp when I see what's inside: a sleek, stunning black bow, similar yet slightly different from the one Beetee had made for me (which was destroyed in the bombing that killed Prim) and a dozen black arrows to match.

I look up at Peeta, momentarily speechless. "How…?"

"I had Beetee design it as soon as I could reach him. It's exactly like a normal bow except this one also wakes up when it hears you, and goes to sleep when you say good night." I remain completely speechless, my mouth slightly open, so he adds "I thought you might need some motivation to go back into the woods."

I slowly pick up the bow, holding it in my hands, wide eyes looking over every inch of it. I put it back in the box and do the same with each of the arrows, finally closing the box and carefully placing it on the couch. Then, I stand, and before Peeta even notices, wrap my arms around him.

"Thank you" I whisper. I feel his lips graze my neck as he inhales, undoubtedly smelling my hair. I don't even hesitate as I look up and kiss him.

It's been quite a while since our last kiss, but even so his lips are soft, warm and steady, the same way they've always been. At first he's unresponsive, as though the shock of the moment hasn't quite registered. But then, slowly, he kisses me back, and I can tell he's missed this, too.

It's quite different from how we usually kissed. But that's because I'm kissing Peeta because I want to, and not because cameras are around or we need to keep up an act, and kisses like those have always been so rare between us.

The kind of kiss that makes me want another.

After about a minute, we break apart. I look into his eyes and see my own emotions reflected back at me. Excitement. Confusion. Even… Could it be? Happiness? But not fear, like there was before. He smiles.

I can't even help it when the corners of my own mouth turn upwards as he leans in for another kiss.


	5. Eighteen

A/N: Thanks for reviewing! **ADandelionInTheSpring **I completely agree on Gale, I've never liked him either (I'm a bit of a Gale-hater, particularly after Catching Fire, but I knew I couldn't just ignore him and act like he never existed, so I added the letter. Even so, that's not the last you'll see of Gale in this story!

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**Chapter 5: Eighteen**

It takes no time at all for news to travel around 12 that Peeta and I are together, and that he's almost entirely moved into my house. After a chat with Dr. Aurelius, I decide to go into the woods to break in my new bow. I come back with a fat rabbit, a couple squirrels and a wild turkey.

Not bad for a person who until very recently had a bracelet strapped to her wrist that read _Mentally Disoriented_.

We start to go into the woods together, and, after reacquainting myself with a bow and arrow, I teach him to shoot. In no time at all, we have most of what now counts as the population of District 12 supplied with fresh game and freshly baked bread nearly every day. Peeta learns to walk quietly in the woods, which I see on its own as a remarkable achievement.

We start preparations to have the District rebuilt, and almost two weeks after Peeta's return, machines and construction supplies, as well as workers and Peacekeepers, arrive on a train from the Capitol. Unfortunately, all of this progress does not go overlooked.

I start getting calls from Plutarch, along with a handful of letters, which we've successfully ignored, right after de-bugging both my house and Peeta's, so they have no way of listening in on our conversations. The microphones were about the size of my thumbnail, and hidden all over the house: in floorboards, doorframes, the insides of kitchen cabinets, you name it. We take an entire afternoon to collect about two dozen microphones from each house and proceed to smash them on the pavement, with hammers until little is left of them but crushed bits of plastic and wire. I know I can't avoid Plutarch forever, though. He'll just show up at my door, camera crew in tow and I'm not one to test that fact.

Delly arrives a week after Peeta, and we have a good time with her, catching up on all that's happened since the last time we saw each other in 13. She's already got a job at the new Justice Building, once it's finished, that is. The rebuild should only take a couple of months and Peeta and I, along with a handful of others, are basically in charge of overseeing everything.

In my opinion though, I shouldn't be around heavy machinery.

* * *

One morning in early May, I wake up to find Peeta sitting on the bed, holding a cupcake frosted with leaves in different shades of green and with one lit candle on top. At first I'm confused, but understanding arrives along with a hollow feeling in the pit of my stomach.

"Happy Birthday," he says, smiling slightly.

I can tell he's trying hard to hide his excitement, probably because he knows I wasn't exactly looking forward to my birthday. I'd completely forgotten about it up until about a minute ago. I bite my lip, unsure of what to say.

_My name is Katniss Everdeen, _I think. _I am seven… eighteen years old. My home is District 12. I have to say something. _

I say "thank you", blow out the candle and try to muster up a smile for him. He doesn't buy it, though.

"I know you don't feel like celebrating. But I have a few more surprises for you. I just want you to enjoy today."

I think about how Peeta's birthday was March 1st and he had to spend it alone in the Capitol, unable to come home. I feel guilty again, so I agree, and let him take me out of bed and lead me downstairs.

In the kitchen, I find the smell of cheese buns is growing thick. On the table sits a breakfast of chocolate chip muffins and freshly made hot chocolate. I stare at him in awe, and he shrugs and says "I brought a ton of chocolate with me from the Capitol. I knew you love it so I thought it might come in handy."

I taste the hot chocolate and genuinely smile as I savor it, sweet, warm and thick. Hot chocolate is one of the few things from the Capitol that isn't tainted with sad or terrifying memories. "It's my favorite," I say, and kiss him. We sit down and enjoy breakfast quietly until Peeta breaks the silence.

"How about you go into the woods and get us some wild turkey for dinner?"

I smile. "Would you like some squirrels, too?" I say jokingly.

"Oh yes," he replies, his eyes sparkling mischievously. I fight back a smirk as I get up from the table and go upstairs to take a quick shower and change. I throw on some thick pants, a shirt and strap on my hunting boots. I braid back my wet hair and it takes a while, as it reaches almost to my navel by now.

I stomp downstairs just as I hear what could only be the sound of Peeta emptying the oven. I find my hunting jacket in the hall closet, grab my game bag, the black bow and the matching quiver of arrows and return to the kitchen. I grab a bottle of water from the fridge and stow it in the game bag, which I sling over my shoulder.

"I'm off," I say, and Peeta turns and kisses me before I leave.

* * *

I walk out through the back door and receive about ten Happy Birthdays before I've even left the Victor's Village. I walk through what will soon be the town again, stowing my hunting jacket in the game bag once I realize the weather's a little too warm at this hour to be wearing it.

By the time I've reached the spot where Gale and I used to meet before we went to hunt, a thin sheen of sweat covers me and is threatening to stain the lower back of my shirt. I stop to rest and drink water. After about ten minutes, I start the walk to cover my snare line, which will take about an hour. It's about noon now, so I guess I'll be back at the house by two.

It's a good day. I pick up a dozen fish and two wild turkeys from the snares, shoot a handful of squirrels and I take out another turkey as I'm walking back to town. I smile a little at myself when I see that I've shot every single prey through the eye.

I drop by Greasy Sae's and give her some of the meat before I go back to Peeta. I open the front door and make a beeline for the kitchen to clean the meat until I'm stopped in my tracks by the voices I hear in the living room.

"Katniss!"

Mother. My mouth drops open.

"Happy birthday!"

Annie. The gamebag slips through my fingers and drops to the floor with a thud.

"Well, you could at least say something, brainless."

Johanna. There are some other people there too, but for the moment I don't even acknowledge who they are.

I drop everything and run into the living room, surprised at the squeal of delight that escapes my mouth as I embrace my mother. Then I move to hug Annie, managing it in spite of her enormous stomach. Last, I step over to Johanna. She looks well. She's gained a couple pounds since I last saw her, her hair's grown back and she looks healthy again. She gives me an all-too-familiar smirk as she puts her hands on her hips. She starts speaking in that bossy voice of hers.

"I hope you're not expecting a hug, brainless, because that is just-"

I hug her anyway, cutting off any sort of objections from her part.

"I missed you too, brainless," I say. She laughs.

We're interrupted by Peeta walking in, carrying a tray laden with frosted cookies and we all practically pounce on it. Apart from Johanna, Annie and my mother, Venia, Flavius, Octavia, Effie, Pollux and Cressida are also here. Haymitch sits in an armchair besides Effie (who, incidently, is wearing the most outrageous aqua blue wig I've ever seen), drink in his hand, and gives me a wink as she purses her lips. Then, Effie stands up to greet me with a big hug, and exclaims that "this really is a big, big, big day! You only turn eighteen once, after all!" I can't help laughing because whatever age you're turning on your birthday, it'll only happen once. Oh well. Effie logic, after all.

Venia, Flavius and Octavia are next to congratulate me, after a series of "dear lord, look at your hair!" and "Katniss, what _did_ you _do _to your fingernails?"

Some things never change.

Last of all, I greet Pollux and Cressida. I raise my eyebrows at them and Cressida answers the question I've silently asked.

"We went through hell keeping this from Plutarch. He thinks we've been in 6 for the last few weeks filming the rebuild. But we knew you wouldn't want any cameras here, not so soon."

I smile gratefully at them both and give them a hug. Then I sit down on the couch between Peeta and Johanna. My mother excuses herself to make lunch ("I _insist_") and the rest of them fill me in on everything: the massive rebuild going on in the Districts, Paylor's first few months as president, and the outcome of the symbolic Hunger Games the Victors agreed to hold, which ended about two weeks ago. The viewing wasn't compulsory though, so a lot of people, particularly in Districts 8 and 11, decided to simply ignore the Games.

"It came down to Snow's granddaughter and another boy, about sixteen years old. It was all so extremely ironic, he was Seneca Crane's _son_." Johanna tells me. The son of a dead Gamemaker being a competitor in the Games is quite ironic, indeed.

"They went at it for quite a while, until she got away from him and hid under a bush." Annie adds. "A Nightlock bush." I look at Peeta and his eyes reflect the surprise I'm sure is in my own.

"People guess she was so young, only thirteen, and just didn't want to go through a painful death." Annie goes on, but she stops and stares off into space. Johanna gives her a pat on the hand and finishes for her as Annie snaps back to reality. "But she shoved so many berries in her mouth she died before she'd even swallowed them all. And the boy won."

I'm so shocked by all of this that after the conversation's shifted to another subject, I'm quiet for a few minutes, letting it all sink in. After about a half hour, my mother strolls into the living room carrying a tray with plates loaded with roast turkey, salad, mashed potatoes (brought straight from District 11), and a basket of rolls, crafted by Peeta, most likely while I was out hunting.

The afternoon blows by fast, and I honestly don't know the last time I laughed so much. By sunset, Peeta brings out a gorgeous cake for me, frosted with leaves that mimic the way the woods look at sunset during the fall. After that, we all walk to the train station so my guests can board the evening train.

We say our goodbyes and after promising to write and call every now and then, and (providing my confinement to 12 is lifted) to visit once Annie's had the baby. My mother is tearful though, and even I cry a little as I watch the train speed off. Peeta takes my hand and we walk home.

The house seems eerily quiet now, but I feel content and honestly happy for the first time since I can remember. We change quietly and climb into bed, me taking my usual spot on Peeta's chest. We lay for a while in a silence only disturbed by the sound of our breathing until I look up at him. Even in the dark, I can make out his eyes, blue and loving as ever.

"This was the best birthday I've ever had," I whisper and kiss him. "Thank you." He kisses me again.

"I love you," he says.

I know there's no pressure, no cameras around to make me say it, but I can't. Not yet. So I just kiss him again and curl up by his chest.

"Sweet dreams, Peeta."


	6. Madness

A/N: Hi guys! I'm so sorry for taking this long to update, I've just had so much going on with school and whatnot. I know you don't want to hear my rants or excuses, so I'll just leave you to enjoy the chapter.

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**Chapter 6: Madness.**

The next morning, I'm woken by the sound of the phone ringing. Peeta's still out cold beside me, his arm wrapped around my waist, my back against his chest. I look through my half open eyelids at the clock on my bedside table. 10 o'clock, it says. Judging by the hour, it's Dr. Aurelius calling and we've overslept. I decide to let Peeta keep sleeping and get out of bed, carefully so as not to wake him. I stumble downstairs and stifle a yawn as I answer the phone.

"Hello?" I say.

"Katniss, it's Dr. Aurelius." He has a deep, calm, Doctor-ish voice. Dr. Aurelius is a tall man, with dark hair streaked with gray and a beard and mustache to match. During our first sessions, I hated his condescending tone and the way he looked at me like I really was crazy. I hated someone actually confirming what I was so terrified to acknowledge, that I really was losing it. But after the months I ignored his calls (as well as everyone else's), I realized he really is just trying to help me. So I began to trust him.

"Hello," I say. We get over the usual greeting protocol and I fill him in on what's happened in the past week. I get to the part about last night, when Peeta told me he loved me and I couldn't bring myself to say it, even though a part of me wanted to. After I'm done, he takes a deep breath.

"Katniss," he says. "It seems to me as though you're afraid and you don't trust yourself. You lived for so long in fear that you don't know how to let go of that a let yourself be happy. Peeta loves you. And I know, as well as do the people around you, that you love Peeta, too. You know you do. Just don't be afraid. There's nothing to be afraid of." Then, our hour's up, and I don't get a chance to respond.

I decide I need to get out of the house. I need to think. I go upstairs and change. At the last minute, I decide to leave a note to Peeta, but, to the everlasting credit of Murphy's Law, I can't find one piece of paper in the entire upper floor. In my hurry, I grab a pen and scribble my note on Peeta's inner forearm. The result bears a striking resemblance to how our schedules were imprinted on us in 13.

_Peeta: I'm out hunting. I'll be back later. – Katniss_

I grab a bag from the closet in the hall and stuff a blanket in it. I run downstairs as quietly as possible and grab some cheese buns and a large bottle of water. I don't bother to take my bow and arrows because what I need is fresh air, not game.

I practically run out of the house, slinging the bag over my shoulder. After a couple hundred yards, I'm out of breath, but I don't stop. All those months sitting around, sunken in depression, have taken their toll on my body, but I don't even slow down until I'm deep in the woods. Once I make sure I'm quite alone, I drop the bag and fall to my knees, a strangled cry ripping my throat apart.

I'm so frustrated I can't even think straight. For a few minutes all I do is cry, angry at no one but myself. I think this is the end of the line. This is where I lose it, go completely insane.

I end up lying on my back, staring up at the canopy of leaves above me. "Why?" I ask myself. "Why do I have to be so afraid?"

There is no Capitol. No Star-Crossed Lovers act. No Games to take away whatever children we might have. No cameras, no pressure. I know, deep inside myself, that I love Peeta. I really do. Why, then, is it so hard to just spit it out?

I lay there, pondering this information until I open my eyes. I must have dozed off, and I notice the light has changed. It must be almost four or five in the afternoon by now. I've been here almost all day. Peeta must be worried sick.

I slowly will myself to get up. I find my limbs week and unresponsive, and slowly come to the realization that I haven't eaten all day. I pull out one of the cheese buns I brought with me and begin to nibble on it as I walk home. As I approach the house, I notice right away something's wrong. I'd have to be deaf not to hear those screams, and downright stupid not to recognize them. I burst through the front door, drop the bag and run upstairs.

"Peeta!" I call. "Peeta!"

The only answer I get is more screams. I find him on the bed, completely dressed, tangled in sheets and screaming his head off. It takes a moment for me to realize he's asleep, caught up in the claws of his own nightmare.

"Peeta!" I say loudly. I shake him. "Peeta!" He continues to thrash around, screaming.

"Don't!" he says. "Please! No more!" I shake him, untangling the sheets wrapped around his chest. He's sweating like crazy. "Stop!" he screams.

"Peeta, wake up!" I'm crying now, and I try to make him sit up. "Peeta, please! Wake up!" I keep shaking him until eventually his screams die down. "Peeta?"

He opens his eyes. They're bloodshot, small pupils almost swallowed completely by the blue irises. "Katniss," he whispers. "Katniss, get out of here."

I swallow, still crying. "What?" I say. I don't understand. He sits up, and closes his eyes tightly, as though an actual physical pain is overcoming his body. "Get out of here!" he says, louder. "I can't hold on, I don't want to hurt you."

"No," I say, clenching his hands in mine. "I'm not going anywhere."

"Katniss," he says, closing his eyes again. "Don't let them hurt me!" Let who? The people in the Capitol who tortured him? He's losing it again, and I can't stop sobbing.

"Peeta, it's not real, I promise," I say, as calmly as I can. "Please, don't leave me." I know if he loses it he'll be taken back to the Capitol and if Peeta leaves, nothing will stop me from slowly following him into madness.

"Peeta," I say, taking his face in my hands. It's covered in sweat and tears, but I don't care. "Peeta, please, look at me." He does, his pupils contracting and expanding so fast it scares the hell out of me.

"Peeta, it's not real. No one's going to hurt you," he just stares at me, and his pupils contract again. "Peeta, please, don't go. It's not real. Don't go." He closes his eyes as whatever visions he's having take over his mind.

"Peeta!" I scream. He opens them just a bit, and I see his pupils dilated again. "Peeta, please." I kiss him. "I love you okay?" I kiss him again, and all this time, I'm still crying. "I love you," I say again. "Please, don't leave me. Don't leave me here alone. I love you."

My words seem to register in his mind somehow, because all he does is wrap his arms around me and sob into my chest. I hold him, hold onto him for dear life as we both cry.

"I love you," I say. "I love you, Peeta."

After a while he cries himself to sleep and I tuck him into bed. I'm about to get up when the sound of his voice stops me.

"Katniss," he says. "Please, don't go. Stay with me." I crawl into bed with him and lay his head on my chest.

"Always," I say as I stroke his hair. "Always, Peeta."


	7. Hunger

A/N: Hi guys! Sorry for taking this long to update, I've just had a lot going on. My college admissions test is this sunday and I've been studying like crazy. God, I hope I get in. Wish me luck! Anyway, here's chapter 7:

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**Chapter 7: Hunger**

I don't know how long we lay there for, but well after dark, I hear Peeta's rhythmic, even breathing suddenly change as he wakes. I don't move. I don't even speak. I just continue to twirl locks of his blonde hair between my fingers. After a while of silence where we both know the other's awake but neither says anything, I finally speak up.

"I'm sorry," I whisper. I immediately feel a knot forming in my throat, and my lower lip quivers with the effort I make not to cry.

He slowly props himself up on his elbow and looks at me. The moonlight pours through the window, making his eyes all the bluer. "Don't be sorry," he whispers.

"I-I left you here," I say as the tears begin to pour down my cheeks. "I left you here alone and… I don't even know what happened, I was just so scared."

"Shh… Don't cry," Peeta says. "I just… I woke up and you were gone, so I thought I'd go out to find you in the woods and surprise you. I came up here to get something, and I don't know how, I ended up passed out on the bed." I'm still crying as he tells me what happened. "I had this nightmare… I was back in the Capitol, tortured…" He closes his eyes, trying to make the nasty images from his nightmare fade.

"I had nightmares, too," I say. "Before you came back, I had them every night, just like before…" My voice is slightly shaky from crying. "Only a lot worse. I saw Prim, smothered by the flames…" I start crying again. "It wasn't real. It's not real," I choke out. "She's safe now."

Peeta wraps his arms around me, making us both sit up. "You're right Katniss. They all are."

"It's different now, since you came back," I go on. "I mean, I still have nightmares sometimes, and when I do, they're just as awful as they used to be. But since you came back… They don't happen as often." He's silent, listening to me. I lay my head on his chest, dousing him in a mixture of tears and mucus, but he doesn't seem to care.

"With you here, I feel safer somehow," I say. I've never said any of this to anyone but Dr. Aurelius, but now that I'm finally saying these things to Peeta, it's a lot easier than I thought. "Like when we were on the train all those nights… The nightmares just wouldn't come as long as you were there." He holds me tighter.

"I was so scared today…" I say, and I cry some more. "I thought… I thought, if he goes mad, and they take him away, I'll go mad. I'll lose it. You're the only reason I keep trying Peeta." I lift my head to look him straight in the eye. "You're the only reason I'm still here, still fighting it. You're the reason I still get up in the morning. You're the only thing keeping me here, Peeta. After Prim…" I pause, my voice threatening to crack.

"After Prim died… I didn't see any point in living. All I'd done, everything I'd done in the past two years was so she could be alive and have a better future. I only agreed to be the Mockingjay to save you, and I kept the job going after you were rescued so Prim would have a shot at a better future. But they killed her… And I wasn't even angry at first, I was just… Hollow. I didn't see any reason to stay alive, to keep going… But since you came back, I think I'm getting better. I have a reason to get up and try. To go through the motions, to just _live_. To think about the possibility of a future. Of kids, maybe. That's all because of you. If you left… I'd lose it all. Including my sanity."

He smiles at me, but it's a sad smile. "I'll never leave you," he says. "I promise."

"I won't leave you either," I say, the words coming out of my mouth effortless and sincere. "Not even if you want me to." He laughs, and I can't help but smile.

"I love you, Katniss," he says.

"I love you, too." I say.

He kisses me, and I kiss him back. After a few seconds he tries to break apart but I don't let him. I cradle his head with my hands and kiss him harder, only stopping to catch our breath after a while. I don't let him hesitate, but start kissing him again, running my hands down his neck, along his broad shoulders and down his chest. He's gained back some weight so I can feel his muscles under my fingers and the sweat that's beginning to show as his heartbeat accelerates. I get that feeling behind my navel again, that hunger that I felt on that beach during the Quell all those nights ago.

Instinctively, I pull myself onto his lap and run my hands up over his chest and down his back. His hands, which had been roaming freely down my sides and back, find my hips and pull me even closer, chest to chest, our mouths locked together. We keep kissing but just when I'm about to pull off his shirt, he breaks away and grabs my wrists. Peeta puts his forehead against mine and I'm about to kiss him again when he puts his finger to my lips and stops me.

"Katniss," he says, as he tries to catch his breath.

"Yeah?" I say, also out of breath, and he chuckles a bit at my tone.

"Not tonight," he says. I get what he means right away, without need for anymore words. It's too soon, I know that. But that part of me that just seconds ago needed to get closer to Peeta, to satisfy that hunger, is not giving up. I manage to sneak in just one more kiss before he gently pushes me off him and lies down beside me on the bed, face to face, and he wraps an arm around my waist.

We look at each other for a few seconds. Then, though I have no idea why, I start laughing. Peeta's a bit startled at first, but then he starts laughing, too. We laugh until our throats are sore, and then I smile at him.

"I love it when you laugh," he says. "It's musical, almost like you're singing."

I giggle a bit. I don't remember the last time I actually giggled, so the sound is strange.

"And I love it when you smile," Peeta says. "Your eyes crinkle up at the corners and your dimples show, you look beautiful." I kiss him.

"I love your eyes," I say, looking into them. "They're so blue, like the sky. And so honest. I can always tell what you're thinking from your eyes. I love that. I love everything about you, really. Your blond eyelashes. The freckles on your arms. The way your eyebrows grow together when you concentrate. I love you, Peeta." It took me so long to say those words and now I have, I can't say them enough. He kisses me on the forehead. I curl up against his chest and there we fall asleep.


End file.
